@theshamingofjay

A soft drink is just a drink that needs a minute. Just give it a minute, this has never happened to it before.

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@trumpetcake

If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.

@pixelatedboat

Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die

@3sunzzz

Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.

@Tmoney68

If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.

@InternetHippo

ah yes, halloween. the scary day. the day when everything is terrifying. unlike the other normal days of this year

@Book_Krazy

If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.

@krautsider

If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.

@_troyjohnson

5yo: “Dad we don’t have a chimney. How will Santa get in?”

Me: Probably through my credit card.

5: what?

Me: what?

@ClassOf20l6

why do parents get mad when u sleep all day like im staying out of trouble and im not spending your money like what is the issue here