My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
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*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired