If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
A soft drink is just a drink that needs a minute. Just give it a minute, this has never happened to it before.
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Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
ah yes, halloween. the scary day. the day when everything is terrifying. unlike the other normal days of this year
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
5yo: “Dad we don’t have a chimney. How will Santa get in?”
Me: Probably through my credit card.
why do parents get mad when u sleep all day like im staying out of trouble and im not spending your money like what is the issue here