@TweetPotato314

a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”

You Might Also Like

@1_swarthy_dude

Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.

@ArfMeasures

[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?

Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*

Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-

*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*

Her *softly* holy shit

@Ryanfc706

I hate when I smile at a stranger and they don’t smile back… I’m using my face muscles for you, you little shit.

@AthenaMystique

Just saw a sign advertising crabs and clams. I don’t know about you, but I prefer to keep the crabs away from my clam.

@lovemydogduck

I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.

@LetMeStart

Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?

@TheHyyyype

[my first day as a mechanic]

customer: i need an oil change

me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change

@Mr_Kapowski

Me: So you collect pictures of guys with their height and weight? Sounds a lot like Grindr

Friend: THEY’RE BASEBALL CARDS, JERK

@dreamthievin

A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox

@Parker_Simpson

It concerns me when someone comes out of the bathroom stall and has to wash their hands all the way up to their elbows