a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”

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Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*

Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car


But were you called “dream wife” on the internet today?

Oh, you were. By the same guy? I see.


I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.


Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”


[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach

It’s so cute that you’re nervous

[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?


Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!


“Can I have a drink?”

See? My son can turn water into whine, too.

Your move, God.


Me: You’re the only one who truly gets me.
Chipotle guy: What?
Me: I said chicken. Chicken burrito.


KILLER [burying me alive]:

ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.

KILLER [calls the police]: