a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
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(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
yes, those are my real potatoes.
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
*weighs self after shaving
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage