Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
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But were you called “dream wife” on the internet today?
Oh, you were. By the same guy? I see.
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
It’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
Pushed too hard against my eardrum with a Q-tip and reset my brain.
“Can I have a drink?”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”
See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
Me: You’re the only one who truly gets me.
Chipotle guy: What?
Me: I said chicken. Chicken burrito.
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]: