@TweetPotato314

a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”

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@psybermonkey

Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*

Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car

@littlelady899

But were you called “dream wife” on the internet today?

Oh, you were. By the same guy? I see.

@TjSmooth0

I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.

@i_Lean

Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”

@SteveSuckington

[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach

It’s so cute that you’re nervous

[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?

@otterwrangler

Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!

@UncleDuke1969

“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”

See? My son can turn water into whine, too.

Your move, God.

@aaronnemo

Me: You’re the only one who truly gets me.
Chipotle guy: What?
Me: I said chicken. Chicken burrito.

@dubiousrhetoric

KILLER [burying me alive]:

ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.

KILLER [calls the police]: