Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
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Her: Can you turn off the lights?
Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
I hate when I smile at a stranger and they don’t smile back… I’m using my face muscles for you, you little shit.
Just saw a sign advertising crabs and clams. I don’t know about you, but I prefer to keep the crabs away from my clam.
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
Me: So you collect pictures of guys with their height and weight? Sounds a lot like Grindr
Friend: THEY’RE BASEBALL CARDS, JERK
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
It concerns me when someone comes out of the bathroom stall and has to wash their hands all the way up to their elbows