A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
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Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
I’m not wrong
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.