A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
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Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
how much for the angry fruit?
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
Fight
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.