A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
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The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
What about a To-Don’t List?
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em