A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
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Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
I’m listening
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail