a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
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What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.