[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
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Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”