A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
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Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.