A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
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My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.