@sonictyrant

A spider is just a hairy raisin with legs

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@ConanOBrien

If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.

@RoquiRock

Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:

“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”

*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*

@living_marble

Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”

@DanaSchwartzzz

Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread

@DirtMcTurd

[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!

TV: last week on GoT..

Me: when the hell did that happen?!

@autocorrects

You’re the jelly to my burger, the knife to my soup, the glitter to my sushi, and the ketchup to my icecream. My point is, you’re worthless.

@Brampersandon_

JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor

@kimtopher22

I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.