16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
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Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
when mom throws a party…
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
spot the difference
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.