A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
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Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
can you read it!!??
maan!
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
*3.5 thank you very much.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.