A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
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I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.