A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
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Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
🙄😏😂🤣
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”