@AlexvanBeek

A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.

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@Eden_Eats

How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?

Please say like 5 months?

@MarfSalvador

[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol

@TheToddWilliams

DOC: We got your blood tests back

ME: Is it small pox like I thought?

DOC: No, it’s even worse

ME: What could be worse than small pox?

DOC: Big pox

ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it

@sozjalltheway

Just spent a nice relaxing hour on facebook, writing “you Two look fantastic!!” on all weekend selfies with three girls or more in it.

@LMHPhotog

Ancient Man: Out of water. Let’s walk 10,000 miles to a fresh continent.

Modern Man: Fridge is empty. Guess I’ll just die in my kitchen.

@Leemanish

I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.

@JohnBirmingham

Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.

@AbbieEvansXO

Him: [sneezes]

Germs: ATTACK!

Her: bless you

Germs: RETREAT RETREAT

@KeetPotato

guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”