How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
You Might Also Like
cause of death:
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
Just spent a nice relaxing hour on facebook, writing “you Two look fantastic!!” on all weekend selfies with three girls or more in it.
Ancient Man: Out of water. Let’s walk 10,000 miles to a fresh continent.
Modern Man: Fridge is empty. Guess I’ll just die in my kitchen.
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”