@sarcasm_inc

[a spider watching soccer when someone kicks a ball into the net] hell yeah, now eat it

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@TylerLinkin

In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.

@Aikiwomannc

Him: Are you always this socially awkward?

Me: Only when I’m in my human form.

Him: So always.

@tastefactory

BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir

@ThisOneSayz

*opens door*

Stop screaming!

*opens door*

What broke?!

*opens door*

Just wait until I get out there!!

~parenting from the bathroom

@MikeCanRant

You have to put a potato in the microwave to push the potato button. Other things dont turn into potatoes.

*brought to you by Bounty*

@Naked_Wombat

9: You like Twitter Dad?
Me: Yep
9: I’ll join and be your friend.
M: Cool, extra math is great!
9: It’s a math thing?
M: yep
9: nevermind

@FredTaming

her: i’m leaving you
 
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
 
him: who ar- wait what

@dinnersruined

DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?

@ArfMeasures

God: I’m calling this a horse

Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!

God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks

@Rschooley

How dare Beyonce bring symbols of past racial strife into popular music performance!!