One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
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A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
Anyone really
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.