@sarcasm_inc: [a spider watching soccer when someone kicks a ball into the net] hell yeah, now eat it
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@buhsbaby_baby: Relationship Status: just tried to reach for my dog's paw and he pulled it away so I pretended I was reaching for the remote.
@OhNoSheTwitnt: "Where do babies comes from?" Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
@_steamy_mac: I cross-bred an octopus and a panda. Let me know if you're interested in a pretty amazing hug.
@thepunningman: wife: Can't we just buy a bigger catflap? me: [buttering the cat] We're not made of money, Karen