A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
You Might Also Like
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
#SCOTUS one-star review
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*