a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
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Whoever decided to use pantyhose as a bank robbing disguise must have had one hell of a speech to convince his buds to follow along.
Use a tortilla as a lap napkin so you can still eat all the food you spill
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
My daughter wanted a Cinderella themed birthday party, so I invited All of her Friends over and made them clean the house.
If you’re ambushed at night, technically you got pmbushed
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student