The Ugly Duckling has the best moral: “everybody has to apologize to you if you get hot”
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
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Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.