a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!

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The Ugly Duckling has the best moral: “everybody has to apologize to you if you get hot”


Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.


[first date]

Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys

Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]


Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*


[Job Interview]

Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?

Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*

Card: “My over-preparedness.”


*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter

*calls to check on the sitter


i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on


*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel


I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.