@TheLesbianTwin

a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!

You Might Also Like

@bransonreese

The Ugly Duckling has the best moral: “everybody has to apologize to you if you get hot”

@laurascaz

Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.

@Reverend_Scott

[first date]

Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys

Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]

@str8outaCompUSA

Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN

@Tmoney68

[Job Interview]

Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?

Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*

Card: “My over-preparedness.”

@bossy_bootz

*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter

*calls to check on the sitter

@danadonly

i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on

@stevevsninjas

*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel

@SladeWentworth

I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.