a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
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DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
Haha! 😂
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.