A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
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interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
He died doing what he loved: being alive
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.