@thepunningman

A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.

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@just1fool

I just watched one bird chase another bird from tree to tree for five minutes.

It was probably over a stolen tweet.

@behindyourback

a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her

@brennadine

Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?

@Dpressedspartan

(Me,after returning from exam)

Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?

Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.

@ArfMeasures

[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder

@sonictyrant

[Invention of the milk shake]

Drunk farmer: hey lets milk the cows on a rollercoaster

@simoncholland

Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.

@stephenjmolloy

Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.

@Mostly_Cheese

Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*

Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.

@XplodingUnicorn

7-year-old: Can we leave the house?

Me: We could go for a walk.

7: And then what?

Me: Come back to the house.

7: I’ll just stay here.