I just watched one bird chase another bird from tree to tree for five minutes.
It was probably over a stolen tweet.
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
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a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
[Invention of the milk shake]
Drunk farmer: hey lets milk the cows on a rollercoaster
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.