A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
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Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
Running from your problems is cardio .
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
2023 was just a warmup
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”