A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
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I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
My circle of trust is a meatball
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!