Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
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me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
The place where you pour in the gas is the car鈥檚 gasshole.
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
馃槀
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I鈥檓 about to scale Everest, later
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?