A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
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i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
The dark side of Canada
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
john wicks are toilet candles
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
Ironic
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
IT’S-A ME,
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills