A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do

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My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.


I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them


Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.


Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…


u don’t need dangerous marijuana pot
get high on life

-ride a bike

-read a good book

-make a sacrifice to the dark lord

-watch a sunset


*2 pieces of bread being held hostage*
bread 1: any way you slice it we’re toast
bread 2: we’re dead wheat

me: did my breakfast just talk


Him: Amazon Prime and chill?

Her: That’s not something people say.

Him: Sure it is. Bing it.

Her: Also not a thing.


Watching movies with kids:

If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.

If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.


It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found