A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.

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If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.


I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again


You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?


I’d explain it to you again but I’m fresh out of crayons and puppets


32 is taking me to dinner, 29 is taking me to a concert, & 26 is taking me straight to bed.

I don’t have kids, did I do that right?


Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”


Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.


[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??