@shashaintl

A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.

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@Darlainky

If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.

@inigoomontoya

I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again

@Tbone7219

You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?

@Godhatespants

I’d explain it to you again but I’m fresh out of crayons and puppets

@_MoonWinx_

32 is taking me to dinner, 29 is taking me to a concert, & 26 is taking me straight to bed.

I don’t have kids, did I do that right?

@Book_Krazy

Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”

@JElvisWeinstein

Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.

@Mostly_Cheese

[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??