@shashaintl: A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
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@carlawh: When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
@Gupton68: The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
@Mr_Kapowski: HR said it's not necessary but I like my sickness to be taken seriously by having my mom send in an email validating my degree of sickness
@JohnLyonTweets: So the waiter said "The plate is hot" and I said "I'll be the judge of that, haha." Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.