@shashaintl

A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.

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@Jamz84_

Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭

@MotivationalBkr

My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.

@Parkerlawyer

At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…

11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”

@myonlymizztake

Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?

@SteveDutzy

*Makes joke on Twitter*

*5 Retweets*

*Makes same joke on Facebook*

*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*

@yoyoha

STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life

@TheMichaelRock

Found a baby snake in my backyard while mowing. Long story short, I don’t have to mow anymore since my yard is on fire.

@GensPlace

By the time I catch up with a joke format, I’m like a baker trying to sell yesterday’s doughnuts.

@meganamram

At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose