@sammyrhodes Here’s the thing about the paleo diet. If cavemen could have eaten donuts they would have.
@shashaintl A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
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@sammyrhodes 
@Sickayduh DAD: I want a steak.
HER: Eat this chicken instead. It’s healthy.
DAD: No it isn’t. It’s dead.
@extranapkins Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
@jenniferemorrow Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
@TheKegKiller Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
@Skoog [sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
@OctopusCavemann Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
@vikkaroni My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
@philyuck COP: Did the suspect have a birthmark?
MARK: He’s alive so I’m assuming he had a birth, yes.
@nimble__nick *At the pearly gates*
St Peter: Welcome to heaven. I’ll show you around.
Me: Sooo many oysters must’ve died to make this gate.