@CornOnTheGoblin
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
@shashaintl
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
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@CornOnTheGoblin
@weinerdog4life
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
@pezzamissed
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
@BeTheCookie
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: Thatβs right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
@daemonic3
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
@SkinnieTalls
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
@michaelianblack
Ugh: I hid three dozen raw eggs in the house last night after taking Ambien and now I can’t find them.
@KatieBurnett
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
@philco816
Feed your kids soup for dinner, so you can sit at the table for 47 minutes and listening to slurping.