@shashaintl

A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.

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@sammyrhodes

Here’s the thing about the paleo diet. If cavemen could have eaten donuts they would have.

@Sickayduh

DAD: I want a steak.

HER: Eat this chicken instead. It’s healthy.

DAD: No it isn’t. It’s dead.

@extranapkins

Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants

@jenniferemorrow

Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets

@TheKegKiller

Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.

Cop: Stop playing the race card.

@Skoog

[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]

[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]

me: do ya wanna…?

uber driver: no

@OctopusCavemann

Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe

Me: What do you sell here

Waitress: Just desserts

@vikkaroni

My husband and I are having a serious fight.

Do you think I should let him know about it?

@philyuck

COP: Did the suspect have a birthmark?

MARK: He’s alive so I’m assuming he had a birth, yes.

@nimble__nick

*At the pearly gates*
St Peter: Welcome to heaven. I’ll show you around.
Me: Sooo many oysters must’ve died to make this gate.