@shashaintl

A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.

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@CornOnTheGoblin

[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]

@weinerdog4life

Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.

@pezzamissed

Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up

@BeTheCookie

Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!

@daemonic3

[1st day as IT guy]

CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?

ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok

@SkinnieTalls

It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.

@michaelianblack

Ugh: I hid three dozen raw eggs in the house last night after taking Ambien and now I can’t find them.

@KatieBurnett

Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate

@philco816

Feed your kids soup for dinner, so you can sit at the table for 47 minutes and listening to slurping.