A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.

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[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]


Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.


Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up


Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!


[1st day as IT guy]

CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?

ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok


It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.


Ugh: I hid three dozen raw eggs in the house last night after taking Ambien and now I can’t find them.


Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate


Feed your kids soup for dinner, so you can sit at the table for 47 minutes and listening to slurping.