A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.

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Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭


My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.


At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…

11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”


Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?


*Makes joke on Twitter*


*Makes same joke on Facebook*

*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*


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STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life


Found a baby snake in my backyard while mowing. Long story short, I don’t have to mow anymore since my yard is on fire.


By the time I catch up with a joke format, I’m like a baker trying to sell yesterday’s doughnuts.


At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose