Been starving for a man’s touch for months and I finally have a date tonight. How do I get out of it
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
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Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
[cops knock on my door]
“Who said that then?”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.