Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
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I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
reduce, reuse, recycle
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
*Inspirational Tweets*
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.