A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
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Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
HR says I have to stop switching people’s vapes with kazoos.
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
Trying to limit my time on Twitter. Very aware of my responsibilities. Very going to scroll just a little longer… three hours later.
My son found me crying in the kitchen, wrapped his arms around me and whispered, “Is it because of your hair?” Now I’m crying for two reasons.
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.
[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
Ants can be found on every continent except Antarctica, which is weird considering their name.
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.