me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
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Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
Trying
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.