BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
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Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
Don’t frighten the programmers!
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
Never be a pizza!
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant