A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
You Might Also Like
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
My background check bounced.
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps