The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
You Might Also Like
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
I miss this era type of pranks😭
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
💁🏻♂️
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
Hey I worked for it too!
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t