A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
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Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.