A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
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I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
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