My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
A surge of capital into the Canadian
marijuana industry has stocks soaring.
Marijuana stock prices have now
reached a new …um …high.
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Don’t model myself after Marilyn Monroe, but having imperfections & dying naked in bed clutching bottles of pills & champagne seems doable.
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
Girls with pigtails really freak me out, i cant help wondering what they did with the rest of the pig
“I don’t care,” I say, slowly developing an ulcer
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
I get the whole 3 meals a day thing but I’m confused about how many at night?
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶