Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
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A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out