i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
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I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm. That’s whey past my bedtime
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
“JUMP AROUND! JUMP AROUND! JUMP UP JUMP UP AND GET DOWN!!”
A group of baby bunnies: HELL YES THIS IS OUR SONG
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”