@WhatevaConc

A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.

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@hamersauce

i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it

@chrisdelia

I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.

@AmishPornStar1

*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*

@causticbob

MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.

Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.

@jazmasta

My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm. That’s whey past my bedtime

@murrman5

[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me

@JennEngineer_

Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week

1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow

@junejuly12

Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days

@Home_Halfway

{At concert}
“JUMP AROUND! JUMP AROUND! JUMP UP JUMP UP AND GET DOWN!!”
A group of baby bunnies: HELL YES THIS IS OUR SONG

@toni_goldsetin

My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”