A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.

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I’m losing followers two by two. Maybe they are all boarding an ark somewhere.


[Reporting live on scene]

Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?

Me: Christ Gary, all of it.


[band rehearsal]

Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?

Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.


*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?


I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.


Him: Ha! I got your ATM card.
Me: So? You’ll never guess my PIN.
Him: Is it 6969?
Me: Seriously dude, give it back.


You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.


You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.


brain: wake up

me: it’s 1:15 am

brain: pick up your phone

me: fine just for a minute

brain: lmao ok


Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”

Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”