A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
You Might Also Like
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?