A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.

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i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it


I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.


*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*


MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.

Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.


My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm. That’s whey past my bedtime


[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me


Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week

1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow


Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days


{At concert}
A group of baby bunnies: HELL YES THIS IS OUR SONG


My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”