Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
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There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.