@Gooooats

A surprisingly large amount of responsibility also comes with zero power.

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@PwrFulWmn

You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?

“More Wine”

@AmishPornStar1

“Eat right and exercise?!?…

I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”

@lawyerthoughts

Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.

@SMVidaurri

Just so everyone knows: The bank shut down my debit card because it suspected fraudulent activity and the purchase I had to review was two tickets to see CATS

@xLiserx

*Wakes up in Superman’s body*

Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!

*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*

@armyantstudios

My doctor told me to get a lot of rest and fluids so I’ve been on a drunk rage in my bedroom since 1988.

@AmishPornStar1

Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.

@Shira

My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.

@ArielDumas

Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.