Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
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I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
Self-cleaning conscience
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.