My four levels of drunk:
4. Turtle stuck on its back
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
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I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
I’m single with no kids.
I don’t answer to anyone.
Okay! I’m opening the can now!
Please don’t shred the toilet paper again!
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one