@CornOnTheGoblin

[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha

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@Smooheed

My four levels of drunk:

1. Bouncy
2. Slide-y
3. Slurry
4. Turtle stuck on its back

@zachreinert03

I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered

@huntigula

I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins

@BourbonHabit

I’m single with no kids.

I don’t answer to anyone.

“Meow.”

Okay! I’m opening the can now!

Please don’t shred the toilet paper again!

@Donna_McCoy

I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.

@truegritrumble

ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?

@TheBeerGuy73

*smokes fat doobie*

*enters hotdog eating contest*

*sets Guinness World Record*

*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*

@nutsaremixed

if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet

@amphy1981

(Showing off new car)

Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?

Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one