A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
You Might Also Like
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.