It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
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I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
I’m not wrong
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*