@Playing_Dad

A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name

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@BoomBoomBetty

Me: Forever young!

Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.

Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.

@naomikaravani

It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.

@Parker_Simpson

Took a screenshot with my iPhone with the intention of texting a picture of my cracked screen.So the answer is no I didn’t graduate college.

@Freudianscript

I’m not real good at talking my way out of trouble, since it’s the talking that got me in to trouble in the first place.

@John_Quaintance

There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.

@KeetPotato

fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”

@Parentpains

When all else fails burn shit, people will forget how much of a failure you are when they see stuff on fire.

@3sunzzz

I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.

@robin_991

Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you