A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name

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Me: Forever young!

Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.

Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.


It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.


Took a screenshot with my iPhone with the intention of texting a picture of my cracked screen.So the answer is no I didn’t graduate college.


I’m not real good at talking my way out of trouble, since it’s the talking that got me in to trouble in the first place.


There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.


fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”


When all else fails burn shit, people will forget how much of a failure you are when they see stuff on fire.


I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.


Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you