@DrakeGatsby

A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities

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@Shut_up_Marissa

I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!

@Mr_Kapowski

Her: What do your tattoos mean?

Me: They’re statement pieces. Statement being “I’m an idiot who shouldn’t be in charge of my own body”

@Parkerlawyer

My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.

@WilliamAder

Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?

@Sheila_Mac420

Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.

@rockymomax

[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal

@arcadeseals

doctor: how are you feeling

me: with nerve endings, you should really know this

@aparnapkin

why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god

@SteveDutzy

Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.

@TheAlexNevil

Fortune Cookie:

For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.