A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
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*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
Friends that check up on you >
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW