A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities

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I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*


Her: What do your tattoos mean?

Me: They’re statement pieces. Statement being “I’m an idiot who shouldn’t be in charge of my own body”


My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.


Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?


Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.


[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal


doctor: how are you feeling

me: with nerve endings, you should really know this


why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god


Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.


Fortune Cookie:

For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.