*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
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Ari Aster: spends years making a deeply disturbing film
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
I killed a man once, because killing him twice is a physical impossibility.
Take Dr. Seuss, make him a black midget with chronic asthma and give him access to Urban Dictionary. Behold, Lil’ Wayne.
“please do not expand the list by killing people.”
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!