A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
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If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
You deplete me
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.