A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.

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they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them


Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!


To successfully fight a bear, strike it firmly in the sternum with an open palm. Congratulations. You are now fighting a bear.


Don’t say you love me unless you have bought me a miniature donkey. Without the donkey, they are just empty, meaningless words.


Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.

Friend: That’s not the saying!

Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!


my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….

me: *hits download*


DATE: I think marriage is sooo beautiful

ME: *trying to impress her* well my wedding is tomorrow you should come


Asking a redhead if you can see her pumpkin patch will get you slapped…

It’s not important how I know that…


captain: hand in your gun

me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger


People say love is the best feeling in the world, but I think finding a toilet when you have diarrhea is better.