A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
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All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
You got this…
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.