@lecalabara

A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.

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@coolauntV

they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them

@UncleDuke1969

Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!

@jtrulez

To successfully fight a bear, strike it firmly in the sternum with an open palm. Congratulations. You are now fighting a bear.

@Just_Lee_

Don’t say you love me unless you have bought me a miniature donkey. Without the donkey, they are just empty, meaningless words.

@DrakeGatsby

Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.

Friend: That’s not the saying!

Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!

@starrysappho

my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….

me: *hits download*

@captainkalvis

DATE: I think marriage is sooo beautiful

ME: *trying to impress her* well my wedding is tomorrow you should come

@archerenemy

Asking a redhead if you can see her pumpkin patch will get you slapped…

It’s not important how I know that…

@Browtweaten

captain: hand in your gun

me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger

@_NTFG_

People say love is the best feeling in the world, but I think finding a toilet when you have diarrhea is better.