A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
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If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
They’re on their honeymoon
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”