A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
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I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
Breaking news:
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
fr
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car