@Vodkantots

A taser, but for people who say, “everything happens for a reason.”

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@DannyZuker

Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.

@Jesssicle

Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?

@RickC_135

You know, it cost $8 for 5 condoms but you can get like 50 balloons for a buck.

@MattTheBrand

[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET

@Book_Krazy

Her: How’s your drink?

Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though

Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake

@pixelatedboat

Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?

@TalibJim

Guys WhatsApp status be like “at the gym” since 2014…. Brother are you going to fight Brock Lesnar or just trying to get 12 pack??!!!

@iamspacegirl

My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.

@porters

In the very first line of the song, Pitbull claims he works very hard. He then rhymes “Kodak” with “Kodak.”