Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
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Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
These aliens are taking forever.
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid