A taser, but for people who say, “everything happens for a reason.”

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Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.


Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?


You know, it cost $8 for 5 condoms but you can get like 50 balloons for a buck.


[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET


Her: How’s your drink?

Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though

Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake


Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?


Guys WhatsApp status be like “at the gym” since 2014…. Brother are you going to fight Brock Lesnar or just trying to get 12 pack??!!!


My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.


The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.


In the very first line of the song, Pitbull claims he works very hard. He then rhymes “Kodak” with “Kodak.”