[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
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My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
Story of my life…..
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%